dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
