tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
