My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
