I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
