I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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