i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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