apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
