apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I just gargled with NyQuil
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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