I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
