no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
you mean i was at the winter classic?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
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