We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
