textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
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