You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
