What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
