Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize