thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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