I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
