i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I want to fling myself into the sun
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
