Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
