Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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