I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
