i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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