You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I'm at about main and main street
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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