I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
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