Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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