There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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