happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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