you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
