ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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