Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
