We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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