When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
