Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
