you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
