i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
