naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
