i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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