I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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