We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
