i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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