I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
