Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
