did you get engaged???
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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