I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
