You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
pop tarts are not kleenex
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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