i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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