saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
