theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
