That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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