Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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