i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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