woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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