if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
