Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
we made out on top of his cat.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
