why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Randomize