On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Randomize
